A hypocrite is .................

“The difference between my darkness and your darkness is that I can look at my own badness in the face and accept its existence while you are busy covering your mirror with a white linen sheet. The difference between my sins and your sins is that when I sin I know I'm sinning while you have actually fallen prey to your own fabricated illusions. I am a siren, a mermaid; I know that I am beautiful while basking on the ocean's waves and I know that I can eat flesh and bones at the bottom of the sea. You are a white witch, a wizard; your spells are manipulations and your cauldron from hell yet you wrap yourself in white and wear a silver wig.” ― C. JoyBell C.

 I recently played back  a conversation I had at the beginning when we started dating.... He got a phone call at some point in the middle of the night from a girl asking to be sorted out money-wise because she was in a fix . He said no, he couldn't and  gave some excuse and the conversation ended. In the morning I asked again why would someone call you in the middle of the night to ask you for money and why single you out of the whole list of friends or  everyone in their phone book  and I too got some excuse for the same. As i progressed with my annoyingly inquisitive way so came the story.

After I listened to it ,I asked one very vital question, who is she to you ? And immediately came the response´ she was a one night stand......´ a few minutes of silence later came again another response ´no she was more than a one night stand.´ So I pondered and asked again ´so how come your no longer together?´ and he goes like ´she was the one who pushed herself to me, she had told all her friends we were dating even before we were and after all she new I had a girlfriend.´ mmhhh !  I thought  and then I asked AGAIN, ´ so you still slept with her , took her out and did all those things you did with her and she knew you had a girlfriend ?... did you tell her this before you started your so called affair or did you just assume  she knew ? ´ and he went silent then minutes later again  came the retort ´she knew I had a girlfriend. I mean, everyone knew I had a girlfriend ......´

 Fast forward to a few years later,  here I was being told this story and the one critical question I asked my self then was what if this girl  was me?  .... whatever happened, happened but how would someone who you apparently had a thing with while they were still with someone else not even be sure of what exactly you were to them or what you even did or had. And this same person will call you , text you every so often and all this while   you are supposed to be friends of some sort ??

Maybe its just me , or I have put to much thought into this, but I value a lot the mark or impression I leave behind. Not necessarily what someone thinks of me but if anything if we were remotely close or somewhat  had something or anything, I would not wish to be put in a category together with all the others...........

 if anything  to salvage face at-least  is to have someone know what it is I meant to them or what I signify ..... Off-course not everything will ever go as planned or go the movie way happy ending et al  but in the end you have  either made your peace with what transpired or dealt with the underlying issues ......

 This is just me thinking out loud but what I do know is :What you tell me about others is what you will tell others about me...............

Goodbye to the weekend wife

On that evening seated alone in the house , two text messages rang on my phone the first said: Ni Eva alikuja asubuhi we reconcile akanikasirisha nikatoka nikamuacha kwa nyumba nikaenda kwa bar.
 2nd text messages : it not like you were boning me alone so you cant put the blame on me .

 Huh? I though this doesnt look like it was meant for me so I went to sleep. 4 am in the morning the drunk walks in  and falls asleep immediately. 5 am my alarm goes off, I wake up do my daily morning ritual that is shower , dress makeup  et al basically get ready for work . Then I spotted the phone and decided what the hell let me find out what the misplaced text messages were for. How I pick up useless information like security codes or lock codes is beyond me but I  found the chain of texts and got to reading. So apparently  while all this while I had been the wife who came over every weekend to cook and clean and pamper him rather in my head spend time with him , there was  actually the weekday whore for lack of a better word  who would drop by every so often to satisfy her sexual desires or vice versa . Sitted on that bed  that early in the morning I turned to my side and looked at him fast asleep, snoring, and reeking of alcohol............

 I then looked at the bed I was sitted on and immediately got off. This was the bed we had been sharing for 2 years and a few months  but it had now dawned on me that I , was not the only one on that bed.

To Stella the childhood friend who he repeatedly slept with  and who  always received your 2 am text messages only to be told off in the morning with one sentence i insist I was drunk   and who too had shared the same bed I had been sitted on a few minutes ago, to the southcoast outing and the all night rave she had on your bill while I paid  for  my and your  southcoast trip and all night rave through and through. To you Stella who loaned  him money for house rent as he did too and she  who got to cook you dinner on 3rd of January 2012 after I left Mombasa. Personal thought for you , for your age and the length of time you have worked someone would think you would have better  control of your finances or better yet know when your bills are due .Incase you never knew he pays less rent than you.

To Kui who always received the drunken, horny invite  for a vodka sleep over and  who too shared that same bed and the  I have kinda missed you text message every so often.The sex he never got over......

To Njoki who keeps getting the offer to play nurse to a drunken cold or flu  , being called deary and swiry same distasteful words  used on me as well  the drunken horny invites for a short notice sleep over and come  with your clothes notification .

To the dear ex girlfriend Mel who would and  will get 2-3 text messages each year for being the first love and the idiot who almost killed herself  for him  and off course the yearly birthday text messages with an offer for birthday sex.
To Scola for all the days you spent in the house I apparently made him buy for me with all the things and to the good thing you all  had going even though you could not meet his friends  and would have to wait at the stage for an hour or so , so that no one could see you come and leave . I hope all the sex and insults were worth it . You can keep the house and all that is in it including the bed and FYI the 425 shillings you sent via mpesa can only buy 2 rounds of crescent  vodka with coke and will still come with change. Guess we all shared the house too since you could get the keys any time you wanted  . FYI I was the one who cleaned out all the used condom wrappers you used and threw under the bed and did the shopping for all the dinners he made for you  and God knows who else .

To Elyza the almost would be mother of his child. I hope you enjoyed new years eve and hope you are still not afraid to sleep with him as you used to before. Yes he is capable of that and a whole lot more.This time round you might just get the baby you both deserve for not using a condom.

 To the text message  list  namely:Kui , Njoki , Linah , Roselyne and Eve. Three of you on the done side the next 3 on the pending to do list. You will continue to receive the same text message for all of you and  I guess for days to come and being the ladies you are, will graciously reply and  carry on the conversation for a week until you all receive the same text message the following week again !!. Bottom line is you all of you just like me  will end up in the done list  just like everything else he has ever done and so goes on the cycle.

 Roselyne for every  evening drink you will get , for every something different like early morning breakfast  in town  before you go to Kikuyu,  Linah will get the same and when you do give it up to him so will Linah at almost  around the same time.

Dear Eve your naivety is what got you to be introduced to his girlfriend in dis mission that you are not mature enough  and that same naivety is what will get you to bed with him .Grow up and find out what happens in the real world . At the end of the day it is just sex.

Dont take this as an insult because its not its just the view of an outsider, a careful  observer of  just how people innocently or not ,walk into and create  their own messes and the only excuse he will ever give is  you wanted to sleep with him.This is me just letting the world know what transpired and just how bitter I am .

 So as  I turned to my side and looked at him fast asleep, snoring and  reeking of alcohol. I looked at the bed I was sitted on and I  made a choice. This is not what I wanted for me .This is not what I want to wake up to for the rest of my life. Just as I had figured before that you have no idea what you wanted from this life , I am not willing to stand by and get infected or used . If you did not use them on me what makes me so sure in your typical drunken nature  that you will always use them on everything else . a vicious cycle yes but one you have clearly mastered . I will call my self an idiot better yet a fool  but no more.  You can keep the house you so graciously made for me after all I am not the only one in it .

Good bye dear weekend wife . You clearly lost to the whores and  and the ´girl friends´ or is it friends whom he has known  from way before he ever met me .